Hunting Butterflies Read online

  If he'd continued to only be selfish I might have been able to cope with that. The worst was when he'd grope me while Matty was playing nearby. I don't know a single woman who feels like having spontaneous sex while they're watching their child. At least in my mind the role of wife and mother were separate and didn't overlap.

  As if that weren't bad enough, he'd started degrading me on my performance, lack of enthusiasm, and tried to make me try things I wasn't ever going to be into. He wanted me to give him blowjobs in public, have a threesome with another woman, and constantly pressured me to have anal sex. I didn't care what the popular trend was in romance novels, I wasn't ever going to be into any of that. Plus, sex with him was painful enough in the missionary position.

  He wasn't happy with my appearance either. Henry tried to talk me into getting my breasts augmented. He'd whisper in my ear, while we were having sex, that I would look hot with D cups. I got the point; not only was I not exciting in bed, but physically I was also a disappointment.

  The only positive change was I'd grown more comfortable refusing him, especially as his drinking increased, and apparently, his addiction to porn. I mean, where else was he getting his fantasies of balloon-chested women who wanted to take it in the ass while pleasuring another woman?

  This last year was the worst. Humiliating me in private had lost some of the thrill, so publicly shaming me was his latest hobby. I had a few disastrous dates in my post-Tristan period, right before Henry and I started dating. Our private college was small, and rumors spread quickly. Henry was only the second man I'd ever had sex with, but that's not what the rumors about me said. We talked about all of that when we first got together, and I thought he believed me at the time, but that was another thing I got wrong about him.

  When I got home after work, I found him entertaining his best friend and his wife on our back patio. All I wanted was to tuck my son into his bed, and if I managed to still be awake after he fell asleep, I'd soak in a bubble bath. Instead, I had an evening full of crass alcoholics to look forward too. Needless to say, they weren't on the list of my favorite people.

  The men had an empty case of beer between them, and she was finishing off a pitcher of margaritas. I lowered my tired body into the empty lounge chair, preparing to suffer through the next hour before I could feign exhaustion and escape.

  I should have known I wouldn't make it that long. It only took fifteen minutes before his best friend's wife started making jokes about our sex life. To say I was mortified would have been downplaying my feelings. Henry had nearly a dozen empty beer cans around him as he cracked open another one from his personal cooler.

  She continued to loudly tease me about how long it had been, that cobwebs were going to close off my vagina, and then would proceed to cackle at her own joke. I wanted to plant my fist in her tactless face, but I was supposed to be making him look good in front of his co-worker. Henry was a sheriff's deputy, and appearance was everything to him. Too bad he was so good at making himself look like a drunken asshole, maybe I wouldn't have to work so hard to save face for both of us.

  "God, I'm horny!" he exclaimed and then let out a loud belch.

  Now, why didn't that get me hot? I rolled my eyes at him. He let himself go a little over the years. He wasn't exactly fat, but his middle had grown soft, and he had an extra bit of flesh under his chin. Henry was on the shorter side, only a couple inches taller than me, and was starting to resemble the Pillsbury Dough Boy with a farmer's tan. All of that combined with his crudeness caused bile to rise in my throat at just the thought of his touch.

  "Don't suppose you'll blow me later?" He snorted like he'd said something funny. "Why do I even ask? You're such a prude. Not that I would have known by the way you spread yourself around before we got together. You sucked everyone else's cock, why should I expect you to suck mine too? You're only my wife. Not that I can do anything about that; you'd take the kid away from me if I did."

  "Fuck you!" It didn't matter to me anymore that we were supposed to be hosting our friends. One asshole in college spread a false rumor after I shot him down, and Henry would never let it go.

  Our awkward exchange ended the party early, and as I expected, Henry came looking for me. He'd sobered up slightly and sat down next to me on the couch.

  Tears welled up in his eyes. He was a weepy drunk, another unattractive quality he developed over the years. "I'm sorry. I just miss you so much. You're pulling away from me and it makes me crazy. Please don't leave me. You and Matt are everything to me. I can't live without you."

  I nodded. His words hit me hard, like they always did. They reminded me I caused this problem in the first place. He could be an asshole, but he'd stood by me through some of the hardest times of my life. He hadn't walked out on us like my father did when I was a baby. I was the one who pulled away, because despite telling myself it would get easier being with him, it never did. When he pulled on my hand to lead me into our bedroom, I didn't resist. He needed affection from me, and I could at least try.

  I hoped, like I always did, that he'd take his time, shower me with the affection I needed from him so I could enjoy our lovemaking too. He frantically removed my clothes, and I tried to feel the same passion he did, but I was dead inside.

  He entered me quickly, like always, and I closed my eyes against the burn. I wasn't ready for him, not that it ever stopped him before. Instead of trying to feel passion, I found myself praying he'd finish fast; unfortunately, the alcohol gave him stamina. Each thrust ripped through me until I cried out in agony rather than pleasure. He didn't care.

  With no end in sight, I couldn't take the searing pain a moment longer. I shoved him off me. He glared at me with loathing in his eyes. "Let me guess, we're done now?"

  "You're hurting me," I told him in a small voice.

  "It's always fucking something with you!" he shouted.

  In that moment, I knew I couldn't do this anymore. Had I been unfair to him all these years? Probably, but I wasn't his fucking toy either. I'd more than punished myself enough for condemning him to this lousy excuse for a marriage. It was time to worry about myself since he obviously no longer cared.

  I cried myself to sleep and wondered where the man that once loved me had gone.

  Chapter Four

  Lily

  Early the next morning, I woke to my phone ringing. A quick glance at the screen let me know it was my best friend. "Hey, Dee. How are you doing?"

  This past year had been devastating for her. The love of her life, Adam, was killed in a car accident on his way home from work eleven months ago. The roads were slightly icy, and it appeared he lost control of his car and slammed into a tree. They had an eight-year-old son, who missed his father terribly. My heart broke for them nearly every day since.

  Henry wasn't very comforting during my grief from losing one of my best friends. He accused me of having feelings for Adam, and managed to drive the wedge further between us. I needed to mourn the loss of my friend, someone who'd always been like a brother to me, but that was yet another emotion I had to keep locked inside. How could he even think I'd ever betray my best friend like that?

  "You know," she sighed. "There are good days and bad days. Have you thought anymore about coming out here for a few weeks? I know you haven't been here in years, but you-know-who hasn't been back here in ages either. Plus, you have plenty of vacation time since Henry never takes you and Matty anywhere."

  Once, Dee was Henry's biggest supporter, but the things I'd confided to her over the last few years had soured her opinion of him. I'd stopped defending him this last year, and she took it as a sign to try and get me to come home.

  The truth was I'd barely thought of anything besides going home for a visit, but she was wrong about why I was reluctant to agree. My hesitation wasn't out of an irrational fear I'd run into Tristan, but I was scared I wouldn't have the strength to leave again.

  Dee exhaled loudly into the phone. "Why do you stay, Lily? Henry has become such an asshole.
Why do you let him treat you like that? Is it because of Matty? You know there are lots of kids with divorced parents. Kids need happy parents more than married ones."

  Wasn't that the million-dollar question? Leaving him felt like giving up. I was afraid my son would blame me for not being able to see his dad, not that he spent loads of quality time with him since Henry was always at work, but I didn't want him to look back and feel like I'd slighted him in some way. However, staying for the sake of my son was getting harder every day, and I was eventually going to break under the strain.

  Henry had been my rock during my mom's chemo, when it seemed the treatments themselves might kill her. Dee had just had Adam Jr. a couple months before I found out my mom was sick, and I turned more and more to Henry during that time.

  My mom really loved Henry, and I allowed my fear of being alone to make me stay. Honestly, I didn't have the emotional strength to end things with him then, and by the time she was declared cancer free six months later, I found out I was pregnant.

  It's possible reports Tristan had become engaged to Amber Stone might have played a role. The fact was he had moved on with a gorgeous actress, and I was pregnant by a man I'd always planned to break up with. Tristan's life was in a different stratosphere than mine, and whether I liked it or not I had tied myself to Henry forever.

  After the last Central Coven movie was released, Tristan and Amber split up, but by then Henry and I had already gotten married in a small ceremony at the court house. I told him I didn't want a big wedding, so we got married a month after we got engaged. He didn't fight me on it because I was starting to show, and it was the practical decision.

  Whether Tristan had gotten married or not shouldn't have mattered to me. The fact that he'd gotten engaged proved to me I needed to put that part of my life behind me. I couldn't hold onto a fantasy of having him in my life again while I was carrying another man's baby.

  "You shouldn't force yourself to suffer for a decision you made at twenty-one. Just come home for a while and give yourself some time to think," Dee interrupted my thoughts.

  Washington was still home to me after all the years I'd been away. Henry and I moved to Alabama soon after we graduated, six months after we got married. He came from a prominent family in a small town just north of the Florida panhandle. I didn't want to move, but he wanted me to stay home with Matty, and he had a job offer and family nearby to help. I hated it, but as always my son had to come first.

  Dee's words unleashed more memories. It seemed since I started imagining a different life, I couldn't stop remembering how I fell into this one.

  "Lily, you know what you signed on for. This is my career we're arguing about. It has to come first if I'm going to be successful, and I've already got a position lined up in Alabama. What kind of job were you planning on getting with a degree in communications? Besides, you don't even know what you want to do. And we have a kid to take care of. How are you going to work and take care of a baby?"

  Lots of women had careers and families. I'd pointed that out enough times, but his mom had stayed home when he was a kid, and that meant he thought I should too. "I'd like to go into public relations. Matty can go to daycare. Lots of families work that way."

  He rolled his eyes at me. "Be realistic. You're really not as smart as you think you are. We can't plan a future around your dreams. Why did you want a kid if you were just going to ship him off for other people to raise him?"

  That set my teeth on edge. I was his mother, and having my own life wouldn't diminish that, but in his mind my job was to stay home and take care of my family.

  Dee sighed, and I refocused on our conversation. "You tell me all the time how much you hate living there. Give yourself a break and come home."

  "I'm afraid I'll never come back here," I admitted.

  "So . . . " she drew out.

  This time I sighed. "I've been trying to convince Henry to move, but he won't even talk about it."

  "What did he say this time?" she prodded.

  I hesitated. This was going to make her hate him even more. As unhappy as I was with him, it was exhausting having my best friend hate my husband. "He said I was being selfish. He's spent years building his career, and I expect him to throw it away."

  "What about your dreams, Lil?"

  I shrugged, even though she couldn't see me through the phone. "I told him I was thinking about going home for a visit and he blew up. He told me I'd never make it on my own, and he'd fight me to keep Matty in the state. He topped that off by telling me I wasn't as smart as I thought I was." That wasn't new. He liked to frequently remind me how incapable he thought I was.

  "God, Lil, does he even have anything nice to say to you anymore?"

  "Not for a long time. But, hey, I've got to go. Matty is playing at a friend's house tonight and I want to get some stuff done around the house before the event I'm overseeing tonight at the convention center." I coughed into the phone before I could hold it back.

  "Do you still have that cold?" she asked.

  I coughed again. "Yeah, it won't go away, but I'll be fine."

  "I guess King Henry can't bother to help around the house?" she sneered.

  Oh, he'd help, but he'd make damn sure to let me know just how lacking I was in every way. No thanks. Walking on eggshells had become my normal, but damn was I tired. A trip home sounded like heaven, but I didn't think I'd survive the disappointment of coming back here to Henry.

  Once I showered and dressed for the day, I began to tackle the few chores I needed to get done. The only thing left to finish was folding the laundry I'd been dumping on the couch as I deep cleaned the rest of the house.

  I sat down and somehow managed to fall asleep. Hours later the shrill ring of my landline woke me. A quick look at the clock let me know I was an hour late. I apologized to my boss, Justin, and busted my ass along with several speed limits to get to work.

  By the time I arrived I was feeling terrible. Ignoring the dizziness, I rushed around checking on the wait staff, meeting with the client, and making sure dinner service was on schedule. The kitchen was uncomfortably hot, and within a couple of minutes I felt like I was inside a spinning amusement park ride. I wobbled on my feet, right in front of my boss.

  "I wish you'd just told me you weren't well. Can you make it home?" Justin asked me.

  My instinct was to tell him I could. No one had bothered to take care of me in years. Even after Matty was born, I didn't have a single day with someone I could lean on. Henry was back at work the morning after I gave birth, leaving me to recover and learn how to care for a newborn on my own.

  Justin pulled his keys out of his pocket. "You know what, don't answer that. I think you should just let me take you to the emergency room."

  Henry would hate being called away from work if I needed a ride home or for him to stay with Matty. "Can you just take me home? I think I'll be fine if I rest for a while."

  He narrowed his eyes. "Something tells me you aren't going to do that. I can't force you, though. Promise me if you get worse, or aren't better by tomorrow, you'll go to the doctor?"

  I nodded, which only made the room spin faster.

  "And call me if you need a ride tonight."

  "I'm sure my husband can take me."

  A look of pity came over his face. "Will he?"

  I shrugged. It was humiliating that even my boss seemed to see how neglected I was in my marriage.

  The trip back home didn't take very long, probably because I'd kept dozing off in the car. Justin helped me inside and reminded me to call him if I needed to go to the hospital. I must have looked horrible.

  I collapsed into bed, fully clothed, and pulled the covers over my head. Hours later, around seven that night, Henry slammed the door of our bedroom against the wall, waking me up in the process.

  "I can't believe you're fucking napping when the house looks like this," he yelled.

  Other than the clean laundry I left unfolded on the couch, our house was clean. Eve
n Matty's Legos were all put away, and some of them were so small I had to crawl around to find all of them, but I was extra diligent at finding every piece, because those suckers really hurt to step on.

  "Aren't you supposed to be at work?" he continued to berate me.

  I cleared my throat, which was raw from all the coughing I'd been doing. "I was sent home," I whispered. Great, on top of everything else, I'd lost my voice.

  "Don't tell me you're still trying to milk being sick."

  "Fine, I won't tell you," I rasped.

  "You've been so lazy lately. You haven't made dinner, I've had to make my own lunch, and all you do is sleep. Our son is staying over with your friend so you can sleep? You aren't even a good mother. I thought we were getting back on track, but obviously, I was a fucking idiot," he lashed out.

  Of course he thought everything was good between us, because I'd finally given into his hounding me for sex. A few weeks later, I started to feel nauseous around food and sick in general, so I stopped cooking. I'd only been able to choke down dry toast for two weeks, not that he'd noticed. Honestly, I was starting to suspect I was pregnant, until my period came stronger than ever the day before. I guess I had to admit I had the flu or something and try to take better care of myself.

  "Henry, I'm really sick, so if you're done yelling at me, I'd like to go back to sleep."

  He growled and punched a hole through the wall.

  "What the hell is wrong with you!" I demanded and tried to stand up. Suddenly, I felt too vulnerable lying down with him this angry.

  "You're what's wrong with me!" he yelled back. "Why do you make me act like this?"

  "I don't make you do anything." I tried to stand my ground, but dizziness overcame me when I got out of bed and threatened to take me down.

  He got into my face, and the hatred I saw in his eyes made me take a step back until I felt the back of my legs bump into the bed. He'd never hit me, but in that moment, I believed he wanted to.